When creation bears weight
Now, this post is going to make use of the more existential side of my rambles, since we're going down a spiral! It'll be a very interesting one for me to talk about, since it was something that changed in me, some time into my site work.
For that, we need to go back in time, some time in early 2024, for when my site looked like this:
Behind the scenes for some of the smaller renovations I was making for the site, I was feeling very unfulfilled with my work. In a post-pandemic world and me trying to keep up hopes with my art dreams, it wasn't an easy period for me to go through, to the point I was latching onto art as a way for me to keep my mind out of my life problems.
After a while, that could only do so much, since the more I churned out drawings and called it a day, the less I found myself happy as an artist, almost as if I was watching my inspiration slowly being siphoned out of me. Admittedly, my desperation was like chasing after the social media highs, hoping to grasp that feeling again, when my mind wasn't in the right rhythm, place nor perspective.
That's when I heard my mom ask: "Are you happy with what you're doing? Or is it starting to wear you down?"
I knew she was picking up on my weariness, and through that, I opened up that I didn't even want to take care of my site anymore. My brain was seeing all the work as pointless, something not worth tending to or focusing on if I wasn't feeling it the same way. Art, like many crafts, is fueled by this spark to create something meaningful. This desire to impact the world around you with your own ideas, stories and experiences, and hopefully speak to others through them. I felt tho, as if I were to be aimlessly wandering, only creating for the sake of art itself. It all became an escapism.
She told me it was up to me to let go of it, if I wasn't feeling happy with it as I was. It was my choice, after all. Naturally, I was rather stubborn - especially since I longed for that feeling to come back to me. And well, as you can imagine, I eventually got my answer, but in a rather fascinating way. It was an epiphany that allowed me to rethink my own outlook at being an artist, and why we even feel compelled to create to begin with.
It is common for creation to be seen as a gift. Others see it as a curse, something inescapable, always creeping up on them. To me, it's probably something much greater than just an ability mankind has.
Since the early days, we've always gravitated towards creation. It is part of our culture, communication, storytelling and life, our own way to analyze and perceive the world. Part of me admires that it is something so ingrained in our nature, that we've come to take it for granted, or not make much of a big deal regarding it... which is fair, I fell victim to that myself.
Alongside creation, there's imagination - the ability we have to picture things in an abstract way. Both go hand-in-hand when turning a concept or idea into something real, and I can say- it's quite hard to fully wrap my mind around how wild it is to turn a thought into reality, even as someone who's an artist? Purely because it's not as simple as biologically having a projector inside your head. It comes from... something else.
At the end of the day, I like to say that the utmost beauty comes from those things we can't really explain, because they're greater than us. They surpass our humanity in our own rationality and logic, and yet, are just as intrinsically woven into what we do and how we live. I see it like we're the creators of our own worlds, stories and characters, but in the sense we just mimic the essence of what surrounds us, what was already made, and how we look at things through our own lenses.
I guess that's what makes art so fun to me! Just the thought of seeing how each artist views the world and shapes its own through that greater spark. It's the type of thing that makes life more interesting, as it moves forth under the sun.
And yes, you can probably guess where I'm heading towards with this post. Just like we sometimes remember where we left off by retracing our steps, I finally found a new meaning in my body of work by looking back to who created it all in the first place. God will never cease to amaze me at the amount of detail in His creation, and the fact us humans carry a piece of that eternity in us is enough to shake me. We can write, sing, draw, sculpt... create within our existence, and yet that in itself is too much power for us to even fully comprehend.
In our flawed and constantly maturing ways, it is almost a rite to create a lot of stupid and meaningless things until we figure out our own voice. That's how the way of the artist tends to be - this ever-changing process of self-discovery, and finding what sticks and what doesn't in the pipeline. I do feel, personally, that acknowledging the beauty of something grand is what inspires me the most, and it's what's been driving me forward ever since.
Through that, I can only aspire to be able to share this sense of wonder with others. That by acknowledging our creativity as a mirror of something greater, we may find our own voices to inspire, guide and build up to something beautiful. It is, in itself, a responsibility to bear... to know how to shape stories and worlds to carry something worth telling onward, and looking back on it, aspire to keep on honing this mysterious, yet fascinating craft that's part of us.
And finally, if you were to ask me, "Are you happy now? Are you feeling fulfilled with where you are as an artist?" Well, I would say so, yes! I still have a looong road ahead, but as I mature alongside my stories, I can already tell it'll be a very fun time :]
I wish to develop my site more than ever, as I work through my confidence and desire to make this web place my own. And as far as things are moving now, I'm very optimistic with what's to come.
[Also yes, I need to make the blog container scrollable... sigh xD]
